i am no savior.

i've decided to revive my blog.
this is the first entry.
there were earlier ones, but i took them off.
i want a fresh beginning.

so this is me, in the here and now.
read at your own risk. 

i don't know what this blog will look like... the dynamics will probably change from time to time.

but i like to swish it up every now and then.

nothing stays the same forever, right?

as i write this i'm sitting under the stars on my campus.

well, i can't see them.

i can really only see jupiter.

but i know they're there.

well, here's the final product:

i am no savior
i wear no belt of righteousness
no sash of prestige across my bosom
i care for no one
i am a danger to the world

in constant flux
combustible and raw
confused and bewildered
i aim to save myself
from myself

from my pride, from my ignorance
from knowing nothing, from knowing all.
being seen as a fool.
like an artist's painting i am an illusion
visible only by sight
tangible to no one

especially not the blind

i have no texture
no super powers
no depth of field or range of motion
i think in black and white.
there are rights, and there are wrongs
morals are simply something to be abided by.
i refuse to compromise
but compromise all the same

i compromise my identity
i mold to the world around me
i adapt
go through seasons, fall summer winter spring
i am day
i am night
i am hungry and i am full
but i am no savior

i used to think i could save myself.
that was my dream
i dreamt it sleeping,
i dreamt it waking,
i dreamt it all the time

i was an illusion.
nothing beyond ink on a piece of paper
flammable
rippable
cutable
waddable
...destroyable

no dimension.

i was my own savior

i cared for no one
the sun and the moon and the stars were my companions,
and constantly so.
they revolved around me
although i did not see them
probably because they were so far away
and i am only human.
they were unseeable by the naked eye,
aided only by telescopes and technology.
i, by my own limitations, did not see



but i caught a glimpse of the sun in the day.
just today it was.
and i see the moon and the stars now at night
they hang suspended in the sky
choked by light pollution from the District and its dwellers

they amaze me still.

and i wonder what they look like in a pure land
one without distraction

i wonder what they look like to the one who made them
he made them perfect
they revolve around him
and reflect his glory
his identity
his purpose
his creation

he is the savior
the savior of all
the savior of me.

i am no savior.

i am no savior!
i rejoice, i am no savior!
he saved me he saves me he will forevermore save me.
save me from myself.
from my black and white thoughts, dreams, aspirations


you give your law as a gift
it liberates
it restores
it protects
it enables
it revolutionizes

it is your love.


...but only when i surrender.

i thought i could save myself.
i thought my studies were about what i'd become
and i became afraid.
because i wasn't becoming what i wanted fast enough
or well enough.
i was in control of my own direction
traveling nowhere worth my while
it was somewhere, but it wasn't the best you had for me
before, i was a hotwheels car, the ones i collected as a little kid.
i ran them on those plastic narrow pieced-together tracks
they did lots of cool loops and went really fast
but they ran out of momentum.

i want to be propelled by someone greater than me.
by a greater engineer than me
by a greater architect than me

god, i desire for so much more!
and i know you won't stand there watching me fail
i know that the second the words
"i surrender"
cross my heart and my mind and my tongue,
you'll take over
you'll take control
and i'll be whole once again.

i'm not going to sit passively by, though
i am going to be an active participator in my life.
what do you want me to do?
who do you want me to see? to speak to? to love on?
i might try to grab the reins,
just warning you.
do you know what you're getting yourself into?
do you know how easily distracted i am?
how wishy-washy, unpredictable, emotional, narrowly focused, and potentially unstable i am?
how much of an unreliable, imperfect, uncaring, cold-hearted, self-focused pain in the ass i am? and will be?

of course you do.
sorry, i forgot.
i forgot you made me.
i forgot you made me in your image.
i forgot your image is real. and perfect. and holy. and complete.
and that mine isn't.
and that that's how it's supposed to be.

you are my savior.
i forgot you created me to glorify you.
so let me do that.
allow me to live another day full of your grace and your love.
allow me to be the moon
simply reflecting your light
..because i'll have no light of my own.
you are the sun.
and i am the moon.

i am no savior.

and i am happy.

the sky in santa fe, new mexico. (if you look really hard, you can see jupiter above the antlers. ...trust me.)