a blog is for blogging

i am the Queen of Unfinished Projects. 
crown me, put me on the face of a coin, but whatever you do-- do not dethrone me.


today, however, i did finish one project: belated spring cleaning. i went through bags and boxes of belongings in my apartment and pared them down to three boxes (plus clothes). impressed? i know, don't make me blush any more than i already am. i rewarded my new Minimalist self with a pat on the back, some peach caffeine-free diet coke (who knew that existed, right?), a black bean burger (yum) and a viewing of His Girl Friday, a 1940s flick with Cary Grant in it. he's so classy.


most peoples' to-do lists probably consist of time-sensitive items: check-offable, contained, and quickly completed. my to-do lists are more abstract than concrete, more long-standing projects than quick checks. overarching, really. books i need to read. art projects i want to construct. letters i want to write. conversations to have. places to frolic. to some, this way of prioritizing may seem irresponsible, naive, fruitless. and maybe it is.


so, you see, all this makes me Queen.


a slight concession:
at this point in a post, my counterintuitive gushing usually propels me to make sense of the mess in my head, or else i risk staying still and never getting over the hump. sometimes that's why i blog: it helps me process things. historically, i'd feel it incumbent upon me at this "tipping point" moment to break out a killer quote by a super intelligent thinker, one that lends logic to my ridiculous verbiage and lays out a solid plan for rectification and action. after all, that's what the tipping point, any tipping point, requires--- does it not? you know, the conclusion: that ribbon on the package, the neat and tidy argument, the words that wrap it all up nice and pretty and make a series of inconsequential events important. 


but i can't do that, not this time. 
i can't quote another thinker, and i can't go any further.


but the thing is, i'm not stuck.
or down.
or out.


i'm ready.


i'm ready for adventure. you know, that adventure on the horizon. the one that's getting closer and closer though still all i can see is a shadow of a figure.


i'm ready for the hands of Time to tick right and tick left; counter clockwise, or not. either way they go they have no hold. life moves along, as it always has and always will. to-do's will fall into place. they'll find their way onto my calendar, and i'll find my way in a world i've come to love so dearly. all the while, i'll walk on-- knowing that now, i'm living just a prelude, an introductory movement, an overture. i'll walk on, smiling throughout the glorious prelude and into a life yet to come.


for now, i'll rejoice in the Unfinished Projects, because i'm learning i am just that: 

i am an unfinished project.

beautifully unrefined, originally crafted, and in due course, completed after years and years of pressure and shaping and molding. 

when i forget that i'm unfinished, i get caught up in the to-do's. i find myself believing satan's lies that i'm not productive enough, not solid enough, not focused enough. the worst days i have are the ones when i forget that the purpose of life is not in the living, but the dying. it's ironic, right? Christ died for me, and i live in Him only because i die to self. remembering that integral component of His holiness brings me more liberation than i ever could have imagined. 


i've hidden behind needless productivity, behind emotional stress or final papers or powerplays and pursuits. i've hidden behind those trivial to-do's.
ah, so pasé. 


modified to-do list, in no particular order and subject to change, for the new Minimalist in me:  


hike Old Rag, Half Dome
make redred
sleep under the stars
go to the moon
get a job
Bob Ross day
get pilot's license 
graduate
climb a tree
call mom




yours sincerely,
meredith

december rain

rain falls outside
i curl up on my window seat
knees to my chest
hair in a ponytail
snapple in hand
book by my side


rain evokes emotion
washes over me
it tells me
rest, it is finished
it washes away the worry
like turpentine removes paint from a brush
like acetone strips nails of their polish


away it goes
away it all goes
with the rain


the rain, it rushes down the hill
down the sidestreets and mainstreets and sidewalks
it leaves the plateaued mountain
and reaches the gulley


to the river it flows
into the ocean it bleeds
the clouds, they pick it up
and drop it off again
against my window


rain falls outside

study tips from your most ardent studier

"The dream."
College: where we come to learn. To study. To catapult ourselves from dependence and obscurity to independence, academic and professional greatness.

I had enormous hopes for myself when I envisioned my college life. I would study between classes and write papers in timely fashion during the weekdays, leaving my weekends wide open for amusing adventures. How wise.
I'd do great research, delving deep into interesting scholarly things, with time to spare. How noble.
And I'd use all my other time for what I imagined my social life would be: important, but a mere second to academic pursuits. How quaint.

"The reality."
College: where I came to realize that in high school I was the biggest nerd on the planet.

College is nothing like I imagined.
I go here to learn, but I don't go here to study. I go here to catapult myself and others into a life worth living, a Purpose bigger than ourselves.

What do I do in college?
Well, I spend way too much time with people, and when I'm not with people, I am… well, I'm pretty much always with people.
I don't do work between classes; instead I get coffee with a friend or buy plane tickets or go on hikes or drive or make art or watch Hulu. I don't finish my papers in timely fashion; instead I #clublibs. I master the art of procrastination by living and breathing social media, taking sub-par photos with my iphone, drinking Snapple, researching South Africa, going to concerts, staring at the moon, signing up for pottery classes, watching inspirational dog movies like Homeward Bound, drooling over National Geographic, eating black beans, listening to Noah and the Whale, and calling my mom.
For me, the social and the academic spheres flip-flopped right after my high school graduation day. I did so well in high school. Sigh. But I dropped the books, started running, and I never looked back. Smile.

So why are you writing a blog on study tips, ignats? you might ask.
I'll tell you why. There's a method to my madness.
You see, here's my philosophy: studying isn't that important!
Buuuuuuuut important and necessary aren't synonymous, so don't you let that smile get too large. Ya still gots to study, kid. But just 'cause you're studying don't mean it ain't fun.

mbd's glorious, enviable, and fool-proof study tips for success:

1. break out the eye glasses if you've got them. don't sacrifice your eye sight for style. wear them loud and wear them proud; finals week hits one, hits all. and it ain't pretty.

2. wear flannel. and sweatpants. wear them separate, wear them together-- any combination will do.

3. check Facebook a lot. hey, it's a good distraction.

4. bring your computer charger with you wherever you go. don't be stoopid like me and forget it at your apartment (or dorm room or house, it you are so lucky as to have a house).

5. drink caffeine. but don't get addicted. addictions are bad.

6. the best study places on campus: SIS balcony, and especially Battelle atrium & Katzen. …you heard it here first. but keep it a secret; I want Battelle and Katzen to remain underpopulated and free of people who actually support the wonk campaign. crazies. i like the Battelle and Katzen demographics as they are.

7. get sleep. my bed is my best friend, it's true. the question is, is your bed YOUR best friend?

8. don't stay up late doing things that could be finished tomorrow.
case in point: me, writing this blog right now at 2.02am. is this really necessary? no. will i continue writing? without question.

9. "get a grip."
i've heard this line more times than i could ever try to count in my lifetime. it's my dad's favorite phrase, kind of the same as "no pain, no gain" or "no guts, no glory" or "suck it up." maybe you're lucky enough to be familiar with some of those beautiful lines. inspirational, amirite?

prime examples:

(when i was a little kid, sick and throwing up in the toilet)
kid: Daddy, I need a towel, I'm throwing up!
dad: Get a grip, Mere! You're fine!

(when my little twin brothers wrestled each other to the ground and possibly hit each other with golf clubs)
kid: AHHH!! DAD!!! Chad just hit me with a golf club!! (starts crying)
dad: You're fine, boy. Get a grip! Shake it off. (walks away)

you get the picture.
finals week is almost over as soon as it begins, trust me. so get a grip!

10. don't be blind to beauty.

"When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures-- solitude, books, and imagination-- outside with the whispering pines." -Helen Keller in The Story of My Life

all Helen Keller jokes aside, don't be blind to beauty. whether it's free finals week snacks in the windowless dungeon--errr i mean basement--of Kay Spiritual Center; whether it's climbing a tree or jumping in rain puddles or watching five seasons of Bones; whether it's writing a poem or buying a Street Sense issue or painting like Bob Ross or reading your favorite book for the 12,923,482th time, or checking on a friend-- don't be blind to beauty. invite beauty, embrace beauty.

there will still be time for studying, i promise. that's what college is for.


yours sincerely,
meredith

living and dying, or really just something in between.

i offer up questions.
what does it MEAN to live, to live fully conscious of life and of death?
what is death, if i'm alive? or am i not really alive at all, but dying?

what value lies in seeing the sun from here, if i've never seen the earth from there?

i offer no answers. God is, was, will be The Answer. The Answer does not come in words alone, but in actions: of mercy, of sacrifice, of love.

none of us lives
for ourselves alone
and none of us dies
for ourselves alone
Romans 14.7

if seeing the sun from here, as it streams between tree branches, exposing rugged bare branches swaying like arms in a restless crowd-- if this is all it takes to glimpse unadulterated beauty, if for just a second-- i am content.
if this state of ignorance yields some semblance of Life and Life more abundant, and if dying to myself means coming alive in Someone Else, then i find joy in this restful sincerity of heart.
yes, rest.
maybe this moment of rest is all i needed.